the first day is dead; long live the first day!

the first show is done and dusted. it was this is your trial which is happening at half seven in the wine bar at the gilded balloon. it’s a lovely venue. too lovely for the likes of us, really. the show is a series of mock trials where a member of the audience is put on trial for a crime their friends have charged them with. two guest comedians (in this case the marvellous john hastings and eric lampaert) prosecute and defend the cases chosen by the clerk (the beauteous ahir shah) and presided over by the judge (this guy!). it’s often riotous and always silly.

but… last night i made a child cry. now, before i tell you what happened, it is important to note that the show is marketed as 12-plus. i tell you this not to exonerate myself from the heinous tear inducement that followed, but to give you a fuller appreciation of the circumstances. the first trial we heard was a charge brought by an ungrateful husband against his wife of being a “menapausal [sic] sex maniac”. good fun.

as i brought the gavel down on the “not guilty”, however, my eye caught sight of a wee lad on the front row. as is my wont, i made a series of ludicrous faces at him. he giggled. and so i, buoyed by the adrenaline of showtime and genuinely wanting to include the stunted human in the fun of proceedings, decided to put him on trial. the charge was “being too young to have heard the previous trial”. good fun.

andrew turned out to be a delightful sort: seven years old, favourite colour red, half russian. and, for a while, this was all fine. but the gradual accretion of the spotlight along with myriad eyes focussed upon him took their toll. one cannot help but think that the phrase “fucked to death by a horse” didn’t help matters; but, hindsight is 20/20.

bring on tonight.